My life isn’t a big wonderful splash of sunshine. I’m not always happy; sometimes I’d like to kick people’s asses. I’m not who I say I am or how I feel most of the time. I don’t tell people my true feelings cause I’m so guarded up over my past it’s like I can’t trust NO ONE. I can’t believe NO ONE. Cause if I let down my gaurd, I’ll get hurt again, & I’m ultimately afraid of that. I’m scared to have people in my life.

A couple days ago something happened to me, that only one person knows about; & you’re probably thinking only.. why does just ONE person know? Well, cause I can’t trust anyone - I confided my trust in him, and I doubt he’d tell anyone ; but, anywaaays - I was lying to myself that whole night with that person. I was lying to myself saying how I DON’T love him, how I’d wish he’d drop dead after hurting me. How I wish that I had never ever ever EVER met him & how without him, my life would be great & I’d be happy. But after that night, after I had walked home literally weak emotionally & physically & smelled like pot, and.. everything else. I realized how easy it was. I realized that just TELLING MYSELF how strong & will powered I am,  I have to prove it to myself. & every other person out there who dosen’t believe. I know what happened is done & over with, and theres absolutely nothing I can do to change what I did. But I do know I can always start off fresh and new. & it dosen’t matter how many times I do do that, it just matters that at least I’m moving on from the past & ready to face the world with the new. And I’m trying to do that, everyday it’s a struggle for me to take that one step & finally say “I’m done” cause I’m not. Cause I know there are just some things left unsaid & untold to a lot of people. Cause I know that.. It’s going to be hard to let that one person go. He just has this.. control over me and my feelings, and no matter how I say I’m strong enough to let go.. I’m not ready to let go of him*. Even after what’s gone done & happened between us, even though I know I can do & find & deserve hella better then what he can ever offer to me - I hate to say it, I really do, but I think I’m in love, and I’m not entirely sure on that fact yet, it’s just.. I can’t explain the way he makes me feel; just in Utada’s new song, “I wish that we can photoshop all, of our bad memories, cause the flashbacks, oh the flashbacks, won’t leave me alone” I know we’ve had bad times, but the times when it was just us.. Just me & him alone, smiling and laughing, and me acting like a complete crackhead cause I just couldn’t stop laughing.. are the best memories I have of him. I know I shouldn’t keep him around, tell him I love him, hug him when he’s here, cry when he’s not, beat myself up because of my feelings for him because I know, & anyone I’ve told who’s reading this knows damn well that that isn’t even remotely showing progress. But that night, when he convinced; & then the ending where I got told he didn’t love me, at all.. It just. It didn’t break me as much or hurt me devastatingly as I thought. Cause I’ve been told that before, and all those other times I ran back to those same guys that told me they don’t & the same time they showed me the same mixed feelings. This is exactly what’s happening now. I can cry, and whine, and complain he isn’t here & when he is I can smile like a bubbly crackhead on pot or something, and when he hurts me, I can be pissed off like mad hell; but no matter how he makes me feel, no matter how many times I cry over him, or smile because of him.. I want to be in his life, even if it means risking my feelings. I thought that after what happened in the end I’d be over him, completely moving on, not turning back and running back to him crying, not throwing a hissy fit. Just.. walking away, not looking back, not thinking about going back. I wish I had done that, so I wouldn’t feel this way now. What’s done is done & I can’t do nothing about it.

Even though I love you. Even though I know it’s going to hurt me emotionally for awhile; I have to do whats best for me and move on. I have to move on & start with a new me, a new life, a fresh start. And I just can’t do that with you around..

So this is my goodbye to you. & all the memories we shared.

“Cause Ive dried my eyes and I realized, I deserve somebody that’ll treat me right”.